


The Misadventures of Van and Dist: CAT-astropy!

by vangirl



Category: Tales of the Abyss
Genre: Cats, Crack, Gen, Mad Science, inexcusable silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-02-03
Updated: 2008-02-03
Packaged: 2017-10-23 05:59:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/246988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vangirl/pseuds/vangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An experiment in replication goes wrong. Saturday Morning cartoon adventures ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Misadventures of Van and Dist: CAT-astropy!

"Dist, would you care to explain the meaning of _this_?" he asks, not bothering to conceal the anger in his tone as he gestures to the replica before him.

Dist frowns. "W-Well, it seems that your replica data was accidently mixed with that of another."

The replica flicks a feline ear, as though vaguely interested in the conversation. Then it lowers it's head and begins to lick itself.

Van sneers and turns to Dist. "Then I want it disposed of, immediately."

"No need to worry, Commandant." Dist starts to reach for the replica. "I'll make certain that not a single hair is le- _YGAAH_!"

The replica growls, tail up, fur bristled and teeth deeply set in Dist's skin.

"Let go of me you unsightly beast!" Then he gives the replica a firm smack on the head with his free hand.

Immediately, the replica lets go and bolts away before either of them can think to give chase.

There's a long moment of silence.

Then; "If that thing manages to find it's way outside, I'll make sure you regret ever creating it, Dist."

\---

Though the replica is only a third of his height (most likely thanks to the feline data used in its creation) it makes up for the lack of size in sheer speed. Meaning every time either he or Dist have managed to find it, it's gone again in less than a second.

At this point, between the replica's constant escapes and Dist's constant complaints, he's beginning to become _extremely_ aggravated.

"Dist, you've built plenty of fontech machines before, have you not?"

"Of course I have!" Dist shouts with a hint of indignation. "You've seen me build them yourself!"

Van puts on a strained smile. "Then you can create a simple trap without problem, can't you?"

The anger in Dist's voice is immediately replaced with a pleased tone and a coy smile. "I can do better than that, I'll be able to build you any trap you need."

Van nods. "Good. I need one in less than twenty minutes."

Dist's smile immediately disappears. "Only twenty minutes?"

"Of course. You should be able create a suitable trap in that amount of time." Van frowns. "Though if that's too difficult for you..." He lets his sentence hang, letting Dist finish the rest.

Dist pauses for a moment. "I'll have it done in fifteen."

\---

Van looks down at the trap, one hand gently stroking his beard. "And this would be...?"

"The trap you requested of course." There's far too much pride in Dist's voice.

Van frowns, still looking down at the trap. "It's a box propped up on a stick." A sparkling _purple_ box propped up on a stick, if he has to be specific.

"It's a simple trap, just as you asked for!" Dist huffs. "It was the best I could do in the limited amount of time you gave me. You couldn't honestly expect my _true_ genius to express itself in a mere twenty minutes!"

Arguing would be pointless. "It'll do. All we'd need now is the bait."

"And what shall we use for that? I highly doubt we have any catnip to use."

Van thinks for a moment. If the replica has part of _his_ data, then surely he'd be able to find something suitable to use.

When he finally thinks of something, he turns and begins to walk away. "I'll be in the kitchen."

\---

It takes nearly an hour for him to finish preparing the bait, but it's well worth the effort. Even he found it difficult to resist it, allowing himself a small bite -- and then a few more small bites -- before he brings it back to the trap.

"The bait's ready."

Dist frowns. "We're going to catch it with curry?"

Van gives him a warning glare. "Of course. It'll be more than adequate."

"It's already half-eaten."

Van pauses. "I had to make certain it was more than adequate."

"It took you three times as long for you to make half-eaten bait than it did for me to make my trap!" Dist scowls. "Why didn't you just use one of the five-minute ration packs? We have more than enough of those!"

"The purpose is to draw the replica _in_ \--" Van narrows his eyes. "--not drive it away."

Dist opens his mouth, as though to say something more, then just huffs and leans back against his chair. After a moment he says, "Just place it under the box and we'll wait for the replica to come."

Van gives him a nod, a small smile crossing his face as he places the bait under the trap.

Now, they wait.

\---

While he did know that patience would be needed, the wait proves to be far longer than either of them expected. There's only so long two fully-grown men can stay hidden behind a small cluster of crates before time begins to wear on them.

"Is it going to come or not?" Dist sighs, looking over the top of the crates. "It's been nearly three hours!"

"It's only been two hours." Van keeps his tone calm, his breathing even.

"It's been too long is what it is, especially with you falling asleep!"

Van opens one eye and glances over at him. "I'm meditating, not sleeping." Then he closes his eye and continues to remain as calm as he can.

Dist grumbles something he doesn't hear and slumps back down to the ground. "Your curry must not have been any good if it hasn't come this way yet."

Van ignores him, instead focusing on the relaxing flow of fonons in the area.

"It couldn't possibly be any good now, after how long it's been out."

Van continues to focus on the flow of fonons, thinking of how easy it would be to change the flow to heal and to destroy.

"You should've used the instant rations. They would've lasted _much_ longer."

Van briefly considers casting Infernal Prison.

"If that thing isn't here in the next five minutes I'll-" Then Dist stops talking.

The sudden silence throws him out of his thoughts and he opens his eyes, turning to Dist. "What is it?"

Dist holds a finger to his lips, a near-manical smile splitting across his face. Then he points over the crates.

Slowly, Van gets to his feet, keeping low as he glances over the grate.

The replica is standing by the trap, leaning forward and sniffing it with interest.

They both stay where they are, watching it's every move carefully.

The replica crouches down, slowly slipping it's head under the trap.

They both keep still. Neither of them can move until the trap comes down.

The replica slowly pulls its head back and glances over at the stick. After a moment, it bats at it, making the trap come down. Then it bolts again.

And they both just stare.

Finally, after several long moments, Dist speaks. "You should've used the instant ration."

\---

"Your trap was ineffective." Van doesn't even bother trying to hide the anger in his voice. All his energy is diverted to resisting the urge to stomp as he makes his way down the hall.

" _My_ trap was perfect! _Your_ bait was the problem!" Dist clenches his fists and pounds them against the arms of his chair. "If you didn't insist on being such a snoot we would've captured that damned replica by now!"

Van stops and turns to glare at Dist. In his coldest voice, he says, "If you don't capture your mistake before the day is through, I'll call in Legretta to deal with it." He pauses. "And then I'll deal with you _personally_."

Dist freezes. "W-Well-"

Then a low meow cuts him off.

They both look down and between the two of them is the replica, slowly swishing its tail.

It flicks its ears then walks on all-fours toward Van, tail high as it rubs against his legs. Then it turns and leaps onto Dist's chair, claws digging into the leather as it climbs its way up onto the arm. Once it makes it reaches the top of the arm, it murrs and jumps onto Dist's lap, immediately curling up and closing its eyes.

They both stare at it for a long while.

"I've captured the replica."

Van folds his arms over his chest. "I see that," he says blankly. "Good work."

The replica purrs, slowly swishing its tail.

Dist frowns. "So how we're to dispose of it?"

Van's silent for a moment.

The replica flicks an ear, seemingly content.

"We won't. Not yet at any rate." Van raises a hand to his beard. "If it's possible to combine the data for two different originals, then we should look into it further. It could prove to be useful."

Dist looks down at the replica in his lap and grimaces. "It'll be kept in a cage, of course?"

"Of course. We still can't allow it to escape." Allowing it to live is foolish enough. If it ever escapes...He dares not think of the consequences. "For now, you may do as with it as you wish."

And if Dist wishes to burn the thing alive, well, he won't protest to it.

**Author's Note:**

> Vaguely inspired by [this piece of fanart](http://i205.photobucket.com/albums/bb160/gloriousvan/abrog024.jpg) by Garasu (site now defunct). There are no excuses for this fic and I feel no shame. :|b


End file.
